Something's Wrong With Me

I'm sick. Something has to be wrong with me.

Everyday, I'm exhausted to the point where I feel I'm going to faint. I can't eat well  anymore and every time I do, I get nausea. I'm not anorexic. 

I lost 10lbs in the last month, but at least it was from my belly.

I sleep 4 hours a night and work or go to school for 10 hours a day with no break. I only have Sundays off.

I've had a cough for a month now. Strep throat a month ago. No antibiotics or anything because I have no insurance or money.

I don't think I'm sick. I'm just overstressed, overworked and an emotional wreck.

I don't feel happy honestly. I really don't have fun anymore and I'm alone about 95% of the time when I'm not at work or school. 

The drama with the ex is stressing me out. I'm worried about him and want to be friends, but it's all or nothing. Now his sister's involved and she's making things worse.

He thinks I'm dating a coworker at Starbucks and that I'm having the time of my life. Both far from the truth. I guess if you can't be friends if both bat for the same team. 

I don't do anything. I watch TV and surf the net all evening, occasionally playing video games that I'm bored of.

Both my jobs suck. I like Starbucks and I have fun, but so much drama. I'm a veteran there and I'm one of the least paid too. Someone whose been there for 2 months makes more than I. I think I'm sick because of it. 

Making Waves is dying. I'm burnt-out and it's painfully boring. But I can't do anything because I need to pay rent and bills. Doubt I can find anything better with this economy.

I don't know what I'm going to do. 

I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

The only thing really making me happy is my Microbiology class. At least I can say I'm not stupid. I'm #1 in the class still and I really enjoy the topic. 

Also my iPod. My escape into LaLaland with stories only lyrics create. My storybook. Thanks Lady Gaga. I've mastered the Poker Face. I hide everything well. 

This is random. No point in making paragraphs, just write how I feel. 

Hopefully I'll see better days soon, but right now it's not looking too bright. 

Procrastination 101: Blogging.

So i'm doing better now. I don't like to hold grudges, so I don't care anymore. I move on and phase out unnecessary drama.

Anywhooo, enough about that. I'm just stalling working on my essay question for English. I was actually surprised that I was excited to read the essay, Unspeakable Conversations by Harriet McBryde Johnson. It's a very good read in case any of you are bored. 

Ok, I better stop otherwise I'll never finish my homework. ><

The winner takes it all...

Tonight, I went out with the ex to a club and it was all good until we got home. My ex is living with me right now, and things aren't going well. Or according to him, I'm staying with him out of the goodness of his "kind" heart. Basically, he treats me no better than a piece of crap on the street. I get no respect from him. No sympathy, no acknowledgement of my existence. If I died, all he'd say is "too bad". He could care less, unless he wanted something from me.

His primary goal is to kick me out of the apartment I once called our home. The place that he made me believe was going to be OUR home and we'd live happily ever after. The place I blindly moved into having such hopeful wishes of happiness, and those dreams just crushed two weeks later by his desires of life without me. I was tricked. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I guess I should have known better. My stupid ambition of happiness distracted my gullible spirit of what was really going on. 

He told me tonight that I had to move out by March 1st, even though we never discussed a set date. He sets the rules and I never have a say. It's been that way since the start. He told me he didn't care if I lived on the street, but I needed to leave by then. The person I once loved, the person I actually cared for and would have died for just told me to my face that he didn't care about whether I had a place to stay after March 1st. I'm not making this up for the sake of drama. This was his own words. 

He called me a son of a bitch. He called me that in addition to "I can't wait 'til March 1st". No explanation, he just wants me gone. The worst insult you can possibly say to a human being. He knows how sensitive I am since my mother had a stroke about 6 months ago (on her birthday no less), and how just name-calling in general is childish. He said it, just "because". I don't understand. I never disrespect anyone by calling them anything negative as "a son of a bitch". I can't remember the last time I've called anyone a "bitch" or an "asshole" without it being in a joking scenario. Am I naive in believing that by being a respectful person, I'd be treated the same way? 

I don't ask much from life. I work 40+ hour weeks, two jobs, and go to school almost full-time. But even through that overbearing schedule, I find pleasure and joy that I'm doing what I have to do to succeed in life. But why is it that the one person that mattered cared more about me moving out than being able to buy my books so that I can go to school. We had a two day argument about how he thought I should save my money instead of buying books that were required for school, just so that I can move out quicker.

I don't understand. I don't know what to do now. I'm being "evicted", and he's asking me to be grateful about it because he's giving me a bit of time, according to him. He makes himself the good guy. He makes that time shorter everytime something doesn't go his way. 

I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I want to be myself, but if I try, all it'll do is make thing worse. It'll make the eviction date sooner. 

I guess he didn't love me after all. He just loved what he had made me. When I didn't obey anymore, he disposed of me. 

I'm was the love-struck idiot afterall... 

He's going to read this, and I know all it'll do is make things worse. I can't express myself in anyway, if I do, I'll be kicked out because he likes to hold all the cards. I guess expect another post about the argument we have in a few hours... it's sad, but true. 

I guess I lose afterall. 

First post.

Woohoo! I created a blogger just for the heck of it. I had a LiveJournal account years ago and all it was was a bunch of horned up posts about me trying to make-out with everyone, haha. So this one shall be more civilized (but not too much). 

So yay for blogging!